Would you also like a spit sample? Because that can be arranged.

As of approximately 4 p.m. today, my new condo was officially "under contract," and I was officially "stressed out." So I'm launching this blog to vent about think through all these new situations I'm encountering as a homeowner. Issue No. 1: My new building is a co-op, so there are is paperwork, references, credit checks, interviews. All just to live there. I was reading the "house rules" this evening and getting the worrisome feeling that my every move will be watched once I am an actual resident. Until then, they're going to scrutinize anything in my past they can get their hands on.

I decided to list all the rules I find personally offensive (and plan to break, if applicable):

1. Do not cross over the lawn or through bushes to enter the building.
2. When going to the roof deck, please wear a cover-up and use the service elevators.
3. You may not hold an open house to sell your unit. Prospective purchasers must view the unit by appointment only.
4. Carpeting must cover 80 percent of the flooring.
5. "Horizontal venetian blinds are to be used exclusively."

Oy vey. What have I gotten myself into??